He Chose Me

Destiny is the push of our instincts to the pull of our purpose. -T. D. Jakes

If you read the THIS IS US section of the site you will know that I was never a girl/ woman who wanted to have babies. In fact my motto was “I don’t want to grab anything but my purse when I leave the house.” LOL I was so serious too. At the age of 21 and 25 I asked my OBGYN to tie my tubes because I was 100% sure I didn’t want to have children. Something in me just didn’t feel the need to. Both doctors advised me to wait until I was a little older.

At 30 I tried again and FINALLY a doctor was going to grant my wish. I left the doctors office elated with my New York State sterilization forms (doesn’t that just sound crazy??) and I was going home to fill them out ASAP! The one catch was that the state of NY requires your forms to be on file for 90 days before you can actually have the procedure. That’s easiest enough though right? I’d waited 30 years I could wait 90 days no problem.

Except there was a problem, somewhere between 0-90 days my grandmother was re-diagnosed with terminal cancer and suddenly everything shifted. They had only given my grandmother a little of 90 days to live and I was now watching the calendar for a completely different reason. I’m not really sure why or when but during that time I started to consider motherhood. But for the first time ever it was heavy on my mind and my heart. I thought about it a little after and thought maybe I knew I’d need to fill a void that losing my grandmother would leave. Was that possible? It felt ridiculous, nothing would ever fill that. I remember telling my grandmother I wanted to have a baby, it was the day they were moving her to hospice and she sadly smiled and said “Now you want to have a baby and I won’t be here.” I felt selfish. And then she said “but if you want to, ok. I’ll always be there” I didn’t think about it again after that. It was too much. I never went to re-file those sterilization papers though.

Two years after my grandma passed the feeling was back. I was in a good relationship and we agreed that if it was supposed to happen it would happen…and just like that baby was on the way.

I was ready…I was ready for any and everything motherhood had to bring. I knew grandma was with me and I knew He chose Me!

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